my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
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I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
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I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
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