cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
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