just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
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He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
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I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
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