I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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