The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
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just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
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I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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