I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
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He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
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I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
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