I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
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My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
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I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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