You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
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