Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize