I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
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she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
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I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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