life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
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