we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
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Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
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I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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