Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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