i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize