even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
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Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
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But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
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