I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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