you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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