I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
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I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
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I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
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