Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
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dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
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If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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