a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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