if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
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