i don't like sucking hair
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Success! We fucked roommates!
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