Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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