I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
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