her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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