How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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