I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
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