I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
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