Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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