I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
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