there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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