Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
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