Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Shame - the story of my life.
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