i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
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Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
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Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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