I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
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I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
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