are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
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Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
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Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
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