Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize