My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
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I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
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I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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