So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
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Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
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Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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