There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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