This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Please don't give away my fajitas
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