Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
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Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
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classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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