I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
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You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
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You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
did i just pee glitter
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