Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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