There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
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It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
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I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
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