If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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