Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
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