So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
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Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
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Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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