well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
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We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
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I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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