Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
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